I had actually been researching information for a post that is formulating about the increase of Middle School anxiety and why, when my attention was caught by a post on Facebook exhibiting some of the exact reasons why anxiety has been increased over the past few years. The original post was an image highlighting the inconsistency of media reporting these days. Which is true. I don’t care which side of the political spectrum you support, the media coverage of any and everything has a schizophrenic quality to it, and extreme bias is shown when the media is supposed to be impartial purveyors of facts. And on that post was an escalating exchange between a father and daughter (both adults).

Mom and Dad

Let me be clear … my parents raised me to have my own opinions and to be fiercely independent — which was definitely NOT an easy task for either one of them. And I’ll be candid … my dad and I butted heads — regularly. But that head-butting always took place privately and never in a public forum. The major reason for that is that along with teaching me to form my own opinions, and to be independent, I was also raised to respect others — even when whole-heartedly disagreeing with them and the things they believed.

Unfortunately, all you have to do is pull up social media these days to find it dripping with peremptory dogma, malice, and often hatred. And what we don’t realize is the major impact that malice and hatred are having … not on the people who we are expressing it against, but to ourselves. I have established a routine of being on social media as little as possible simply because the seething anger is damaging to me and causes me stress, which I need to avoid for my own health benefit. I cannot imagine what it must be like walking around with all that hatred boiling all the time — we are killing ourselves.

Back to my point. Whenever I see families, in particular, taking such sides and expressing feelings that are ultimately damaging to the relationship, it brings my dad to mind and how much animosity I carried at some points in my life toward him. And every single time I have that thought, it is followed by how THANKFUL I am that we had resolved those issues prior to his passing. Had he died when my last memories of him would be the anger I held? I shudder to think of it. My mental health would have taken a huge nose dive and who knows when or IF I would have pulled out of it. Grieving for him was hard enough, without extra heapings of guilt for not having resolved our issues.

Those issues were not resolved by agreeing with every word he uttered. Again, that’s not how I was raised, but by letting go of the animosity, by letting go of the emotional intensity surrounding the issues, and understanding that while we may not agree, he always thought things through and probably had good reasons for holding his opinions as I did for holding mine.

Why didn’t I jump into the thread and say these things, instead of coming to my blog to express it? There are none so blind as those who refuse to see; and none so deaf as those who refuse to hear … a quote probably stemming from the 1713 ‘Works of Thomas Chalkley’ which have roots back to the Bible.

What I would like to say is “How will you feel if your dad was gone tomorrow? Will you have a clear conscience with which to grieve for him?” However, that is extremely personal, and I recognize how close that would have cut to the bone.

We are coming up on 28 years since my father passed, and while somethings are easier with time, others are not. For example, the big things that hit me are the things that never can be. Like winning an award for writing — something my dad never understood because he wanted me to have financial safety and security on my own. And right there is one of the points of contention I had with him. He wanted me to have a safe existence and the ability to support myself.

He couldn’t see writing novels as a potential life career because he wanted what was best for me. He didn’t see that writing for me is an essential part of my life, even if I were not to ever sell a single word, and at that time, I saw his lack of support as thinking I couldn’t do it, and didn’t recognize his fear of my being rejected (which is part of the publishing industry). I saw his attitude as a lack of support, a lack of love (something he had an extremely difficult time expressing), but fortunately figured out his reasoning prior to his death. I know, without any doubt whatsoever, that were he living today, he’d be bursting with pride over my accomplishments, and would be bragging about me more than I would like. I get emotionally overwrought because he isn’t here and I can’t share my successes with him. He may not have understood how important writing was to me, but he would have been one of my biggest supporters.

So in this long, rambling post, my point is to always treat (at the very least) family and friends with respect, realizing they are far more important than any political agenda, and it is not worth carrying around the animosity — because you never know when you’ll be facing the memory of them instead of the person. Will you be able to do so without guilt clouding your sorrow that they are gone?

The post In Memory of Dad appeared first on Be the Cat.

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Every writer I know has a to-do list. And it seems like the harder I work on mine, the more it grows. Of course, my manager, Italia Gandolfo has something to do with that. As soon as I knock something off the to-do list, she adds three or four things and gives me an evil laugh. I think she’s trying to keep me occupied so I stay out of trouble and have less time to make jokes. *whispers* It doesn’t work… I postpone doing the to-do list and do something that makes me laugh anyway. I just tell her the world needs more laughter.

Why do most writers have a to-do list? To help us keep track of what we’re supposed to be working on and give us some semblance of order. And certain things need to be done whether we like them or not … kinda like life itself. My informal list is always comprised of the following major categories and the specific items underneath those categories tend to fluctuate: Stuff I should be doing, Stuff I need to do, Stuff I want to do, and the final category (and my personal favorite) Stuff I am doing. I’m going to share a portion of my current to-do list and explain why some of the items are where they are. (And normally I don’t write out the list… but if it gets too much longer, I’m going to have to in order to know what I should be working on.

1. Stuff I Should Be Doing:
• Writing Character Sketches

  • This item could be writing character sketches (which I do have to do for the chapter book series), or outlining a writing project, or doing research for a story — anything relating to writing preparation. Something of this nature is always on my to-do list because I have several projects in the works in various stages at any given time. In this particular case, I need to start creating a series “bible” for the chapter book series Timmy and the Golden Lion Tamarin. Because this project is a collaboration, my writing partners, Luke, Olivia, and I need all the details in one place.

• Revising a scene

  • Revisions and edits are an essential part of the writing process. No matter what else I’m working on, I usually have something that requires revisions or edits — whether my own work or someone else’s that I’m editing. While writing the story itself is largely a solitary process, a necessary part of the cycle is getting someone else to take a look and provide feedback on the work. I have someone I trade work with, so she provides editorial notes on my work once it is ready and I do the same for her. In addition to this, I also edit manuscripts for some of my agency mates. So revisions and edits always on my list because I do several rounds of edits on my own work before giving it to anyone else.

• Blogging

  • This is the item that is ALWAYS on my list and the one I always push off to get other things done. I admire those writers who are able to plan out and get articles posted on a regular basis. My poor neglected blog sometimes cries its heart out in the middle of the night because it is not high on my priority list. And I do enjoy blogging. It’s just when looking at the mountain I have to climb with the things I have to do and look at the clock and realize I can’t stop time from ticking away, I get overwhelmed and know how much time it takes me to put together a post. So it usually gets kicked to the side. I consider putting together a blog post a noteworthy event. And I ask for a cookie when I’m done.

• Create Timeline for the WIP (Work in Progress)

  • This is similar to the Character Sketches in that it can be one (or more) of several activities. But while the Character Sketches item pertains to projects other than the current work in progress, this pertains to the current work. Right now, I need to establish a plot timeline for the book I’m working on so I can nail down the flow of the book. This could be any additional administrative type activity which is not part of the actual drafting/editing process of the WIP.

• Answer Emails

  • While this may seem like an insignificant thing to put on a to-do list, the number of emails keeps increasing and the time to answer them keeps shrinking. So time must be allotted to tame the inbox.

2. Stuff I Need To Do:
• Laundry
• Grocery Shopping

  • I’m going to be brief with this category and lump these items together. Essentially, these are the tasks that must be done to keep life moving forward. Evil, but necessary things. Grocery shopping always reaches the critical point when the toilet paper runs low. That’s one item I cannot ignore and the thought of running out forces me to brave the stores. While you’re still in school, someone else may take care of the life essentials for you, but homework could go in this spot.

3. Stuff I Want To Do:
• Write more of current WIP

  • I am currently working on an upper YA in the drafting phase and it is not the number one priority task for completion, so of course, it is the task calling my name the loudest. It never ceases to amaze me how many writers get shiny new ideas while working on their WIP… which makes them want to drop the current WIP to explore the shiny new idea. This usually happens when half to three quarters of the manuscript has been completed. The shiny on the current WIP has worn off and you’re in the midst of the realization that writing is hard work. Then along comes the temptress of the shiny new idea, luring you away from the task at hand.

• Get a massage

  • This could be a massage, going to the movies with friends, hanging out at the mall, ANYTHING other than a writing related task that brings you pleasure and something where you cannot possibly write while doing. I’ve heard there is life outside of writing and occasionally I want to do things that have nothing to do with writing. These items usually stay on the list for a while because like the blogging, they usually get kicked to the curb so I can get something else completed.

• Stuff I AM Doing:
• Playing with Photoshop
• Posting on Facebook
• Tweeting with friends
• Posting pics on Tumblr
• Ditto on Instagram

  • Basically, this is what writers do when they’re trying to pretend the to-do list isn’t currently leaning over and getting ready to crush them. Goofing off. Letting off a little steam now and then is actually good for the work. The trick (and it is a real juggling act) is to balance the goofing off to give yourself a break with making forward progress on the list of things to get done. For me it is mentally essential to take these breaks. If I cut myself off from social interaction for too long a period, I go stir crazy and the work suffers. But I also don’t let the 10 or 15 minutes of playing extend to a half-hour, hour, or two hours (very often ) If you find you are not able to manage the time limits on the play time, set up an alarm or use the online programs which limit internet. I don’t use those because I frequently need to research a point during the middle of working on whatever it is that I’m working on… and it would be a pain to have to turn off that restriction just to do what is necessary for the job. But I have heard others say those services work effectively for them.

There you have it… my basic working list at any given time. What does your to-do list look like?

The post YWS: The Writer’s To-Do List appeared first on Be the Cat.

In Piscitella’s own words, “I just snapped. Yes I shouldn’t have done that, but you all do not even come close to understanding all the torment they have put my child through.” And according to the NY Daily News, Piscitella said the boy wrote “disgusting” comments below a photo of her daughter, calling her “a fat f—ing whale” who “didn’t deserve to live because she is so nasty that he wouldn’t even rape her.” I’m not going to defend her actions. She was wrong—dead wrong—to choke a boy. But I do understand the emotions overwhelming her. I would feel the same about anyone hurting one of my loved ones.

Would I stop short of choking a teenager? I’d like to think so, but hope that’s a question I’ll never have to answer. What really raised questions in my mind was not Piscitella’s behavior at that moment, but how the bullying was being handled.

Before the mall incident, the girl’s father reportedly reached out to the bullying student to ask him to stop and was met with obscenities in response. Okay, obviously that tactic did not work and I’m not surprised. In the boy’s mind, online could equate to being impervious to repercussions. But why didn’t the Piscitellas reach out to the bully’s parents (the Tiptons) and bring the matter to their attention? Maybe the Tiptons were unaware of their child’s behavior. Maybe the Tiptons were aware and didn’t care. I’ll go out on a limb and say that the situation was one that should have been dealt with adult to adult and not adult to child.

The next question is: where are the boy’s parents involvement in all of this? It sounds as if the situation had been ongoing for awhile. How is it that a fourteen-year-old has an account which is not monitored by his parents? Did his parents know about the account? If not, then I will cut them a little slack for not being involved with what their son was doing, although it doesn’t absolve them from all responsibility. But if he had an account with their permission, then what happened to their due diligence in monitoring on an occasional basis what his interactions were with other kids online. This should be done for the safety of their son if for no other reason.

As a result of the incident, the Piscitella’s took down their daughter’s Facebook page, which is understandable. They wanted to protect her from any further backlash which might be directed at her after her mother choked her bully. Tipton’s lack of involvement is evidenced in her statement that she didn’t have a chance to see her son’s comments before they were removed. One commenter stated: “The boy’s mother needs to get involved and restrict her son from writing weird stuff on Facebook.” I believe there needs to be a little more involvement than restricting the boy from writing weird stuff…the mentality that allows someone to bully another is something that needs to be addressed on a much deeper level.

And while some will cry that teens deserve their privacy as they are becoming adults, I’ll agree with a caveat—they deserve such privacy as they have earned. And at fourteen, total privacy has not been earned… even for the best kid on earth. Not necessarily because of what the kid might be doing, but there are some nasty people in this world of ours and for their own safety they need to be monitored to ensure that they have an adult’s guidance when dealing with situations beyond their abilities. AND if all parents monitored their kids online activities on a regular basis, don’t you think we’d see a decrease in cyber-bullying?

I’m not naive enough to believe that parental involvement will solve the cyber-bullying issue. Some kids will create accounts their parents don’t know about, but not all will, and most will give thought to what they are posting if they know that mom or dad may be taking a peek. Do kids need an avenue to express their thoughts and feelings? Absolutely. But not at the cost of others, and this is what we must stop.

The post Facebook Bully Gets Choked appeared first on Be the Cat.

I understand wanting to avenge your friend who has been tormented by a bully, and if the kid had confronted the bully directly, even through the use of violence, while not condoning that, I would have understood. A fake Facebook page where you torment innocent bystanders in the situation?? Not so much. One poor girl he threatened for an hour an a half, telling her she’d be effing dead and mobbed by up to 15 girls the next day if she didn’t do what he wanted her to. Little did she know, her actions were being recorded and he posted them on Facebook and then told her he’d only take it down if she had sex with him.

In all of this, I wonder… EXACTLY how is this avenging his friend??? Because I don’t see it. I see a sexual predator using the identity of the bully for his own personal sexual gratification. This kid needs help — intensive therapy for starters, and maybe he can turn his life around, but I’m more concerned about the girls. I hope their parents get them help to deal with the aftermath of what he has done to them.

I read through several of the comments on the Huffington Post article covering this incident, and was amazed, although I shouldn’t be, at how many people felt that the girls were to blame for not saying no. And how many put the incident on the level of “a boys raging hormones” as if that excused his actions. And yes, there were several comments buried among the others about the fact that they are young girls (13-16) and they were being threatened, and that raging hormones aside, there is no excuse for extorting the behavior or for posting the video. While I did not read through all of the comments, I found it interesting that only one comment questioned whether anything was being done about the known bully whose identity was used to extort these girls into exposing themselves.

A disturbing incident which highlights the need for parents to be increasingly vigilant about how their teens are interacting on the internet. And a year detention in a juvenile facility does not quite seem to fit the crime.

The post A Year Detention – Seriously? appeared first on Be the Cat.

One thing that I have determined is that the social networking sites can suck your discretionary time into a hole where you will never see it again. Keeping up with all of the people you are now connceted to, or even playing with all of the toy apps that are provided takes a great deal of time. So, I continue to be a Facebook user, although a little reluctant to get drawn in to the time sapping aspects – I simply have too much to write.

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LK Griffie
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