Welcome to Rainbow Falls. Last week this time, my head was so fuzzy, I couldn’t think straight, I spent the bulk of the day in bed because of the fatigue levels, I had had a reaction to the chemo the day before and generally felt crappy. Going into chemo this week, I had no idea what to expect. Because the oncologist put me on a precautionary dosage of prednisone for 3 days, I felt better and stronger by Thursday. My fatigue levels weren’t as bad, and my breathing had vastly improved. I’m not saying I was skipping up the stairs, but at least I could climb them without having to take a break afterward to get my breath under control.

Whatever else would happen, at least I was stronger going in than the week before. And this week? No reaction. I saw the doctor after my treatment and we were both cautiously optimistic about the lack of reaction and hopeful it wouldn’t occur later in the day (it did not). But then she gave me some EXCELLENT news. My chemo schedule has changed. The original plan was to have chemo 3 weeks in a row, one day a week, then skip a week and repeat for 6-8 months. Because I am responding so well to the treatment, it will now be 3 weeks in a row, one day week, and then once a month for 4 months. To say I am excited about the reduction in times I’ll have to have an infusion is an understatement

My biggest concern all along was how I would handle the constant barrage on my body of the once a week. My poor body has been through so much over the past couple years that trying to envision that finish line was a bit difficult knowing I would essentially be going once a week without recuperation time in between. Once a month for only one day is SO MUCH better.

The picture for this post is reflective of how I feel. Such a beautiful rainbow image of Niagara Falls. I equate rainbows with hope and going through chemo is a little like going over Niagara Falls in a barrel, so the two together accurately represent my feelings right now. I may still have to navigate the Falls, but hope is shining through for a better tomorrow.

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I’m a believer in change through intention and taking things one day at a time. I set goals … I don’t make resolutions because those can be broken, whereas a goal is something you continue to strive toward until you achieve it. But even with that, I couldn’t settle on ONE idea to strive toward in the new year. Until this year. And it’s a phrase I’ll focus on to get me through 2019.

Don’t Mess with the Ness

I received this cup for Christmas from my friend, mentor, and agent, Italia Gandolfo. And it is a perfect phrase for me to focus on in 2019. Maybe for life … although Be the Cat! is my lifetime mantra. Why is the phrase so perfect? Well, I happen to be working on a Middle Grade novel where one of the characters is fashioned after Nessie. But for me it goes beyond the character to the whole mythos of the Loch Ness Monster.

The Loch Ness Monster is one of the most debunked myths around, and yet the myth persists. So as someone who deals in worlds that exist only in my head, yet are so real to me, the persistence of the myth is comforting. Nessie stands the test of time — which is my goal for everything I write. And you don’t mess with Nessie … debunk him over here, and he’ll pop up over there thumbing his nose (snout?) at you. Although, I doubt he has any thumbs either … but you get the idea. No matter how many times it has been “proven” he doesn’t exist, he has continued to make appearance after appearance throughout history.

I had read an article based on busting the sentiment you can’t prove a negative and the article author used Nessie as part of their example of destroying the logic — which in my opinion he failed to do. It was an opinon piece and facts were absent. At any rate, his theory was that all we’d have to do to prove there is no Loch Ness Monster was to drain the Loch Ness. He does have a point.

IF the Loch Ness were drained AND no monster was found, we might conclude the monster doesn’t exist … but I’m not sure that would rate as iron-clad proof either. Because with as many years as there have been sightings of Nessie, there also have been periods of time where there were no sightings. Wouldn’t it be a logical presumption that the monster might reside in the Loch Ness for some of the time, but not all the time?

Now, I’m not arguing for the existence or not of a specific Loch Ness monster, but more that the idea is still possible that one might exist. Where there is the remotest possibility, then there is hope … and hope and faith together is a potent combination. The type of thing that can move mountains. But how does this tie to the year ahead?

2018 had some very good moments, but 2019 is going to be even better. During 2018, I made strides health-wise to be stronger and while I’m still a long way from where I want to be, I’m moving forward. Same with my writing. Little baby steps at a time is what is going to get me to where I want to be, and I have hope, no matter what the actual probability is, that I will achieve my goals, and I am moving forward in faith that I am on the right path and doing my life’s work. So don’t tell me probabilities or statistics — don’t try to sway me with facts.

Unless you’ve drained not only the Loch Ness and the rest of the Lochs and other bodies of water around the world, there is still a possibility, however improbable, Nessie exists. And if the possibility exists, then there is hope, and I will believe I will get stronger, healthier, and the path I’m on will take me to the destination I desire.

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Warning—what follows may be a bit of a ramble
I ain’t gonna lie—this week has been a rough one. Starting off with the touch of depression which was ripped apart by knee pain, which then morphed into overall body pain, followed up with an eye infection… and that was just the physical part. Even worse was the work week where each day had another bomb to deliver. Fire-fighting all week leaves me feeling unaccomplished and wrung out. But today was Friday and I woke up with my pain levels well under control. I should be glad, right?

Wrong. I had one of those rare mornings where every little thing irritated me. Things that I normally take in my stride caused my inner Oscar-the-Grouch to start throwing slimy banana peels all over the place. Fortunately, being alone with the pups allowed me to vent without hurting anyone’s feelings. The girls are used to my talking to myself all the time anyway, so they just let me grumble without comment. And the most irritating thing?? Knowing I was being cranky about things—picky, itty-bitty, not really all that important things—things that weren’t worth the upset.

So you’d think the work week would want to lighten up on Friday … not a chance. Things kept going along the same tail-spin they’d been in all week. Which means I didn’t get to something I need to have done before Tuesday. Hopefully Monday will be a kinder day. The deadline is because I start my next chemo cycle on Tuesday and I need to put together instructions for someone who is not familiar with the things I’ve built on what to do if they don’t function properly because my colleague who would normally be holding down the fort has been summoned for jury duty. I’m actually hoping everything decided to blow a gasket this week, so next week will be smooth—but I know better.

Then early afternoon, I received a message from a friend sending good thoughts and virtual hugs and it helped turn my sour day right-side up again. Work finally finished for the week, I still felt wiped out, but no longer cranky. Putting in my headphones, I listened to some music to help me unwind, and finally feel a bit more centered. Music is my creative fuel.

So while listening, unwinding, and trying to decide whether it is more reading or whether words on the page were finally going to happen, I saw a link to the below video on Facebook. I am so glad I took out my headphones long enough to listen to what this 13-year-old boy has to say. Kids like this give me so much hope for the future. What he has to say applies not only to kids and education, but to life and we can all learn from it.

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People tend to be surprised when I express my occasional doubts about my abilities. Which usually makes me smile in a bittersweet way. Because I do ENJOY spreading positive cheer and I love to banish doubt, but I am a writer too, so prey to doubts & insecurity just as much as the next writer. Fortunately for me, these bouts are infrequent and short-lived. Today I am in the grip of discouragement. I’m not easily discouraged, but it does happen on occasion, and usually with my writing. That is not the case today.

I’m in the middle of a blog tour for my newest release, Tattered and this book has been a long journey for me. With all of the ups and downs that I’ve had during the writing/revising/editing of this book, it wouldn’t surprise me to have doubt strangling me about this point over whether the book was ready to release. Oddly, I feel rock solid about the book itself. My melancholy today was brought on by feelings of inadequacy to get the word out about this book. How can I shout loud enough to be heard over the holiday bustle? Activity around the internet has been frenetic. Everyone is pushing their products, offering deals, shouting out good tidings to all. The activity is swirling all around and I feel like a blade of grass in a stormy river, whisked along at a frightening speed toward the whirlpool funnel, struggling desperately to reach the safety of the shore. How can I rise above?

I recently had someone compare my books to food. They are a taste that most people haven’t yet experienced. And sometimes when we haven’t tasted something, we fear it. We’re afraid we won’t like it, that the taste will be too foreign. But then when we do taste, we may have found another favorite food, something we can’t believe we’ve ever lived our lives without. It won’t strike everyone the same way, but that’s okay — it’s why we have variety. There is no doubt that my books are not the average young adult fare. I don’t think it makes them less than, just as I don’t think it makes them superior. It just makes them different. It’s also one of the reasons I chose to take the path to publication with them I did. I knew they’d be a hard sell, and in the current industry upheaval, would be near impossible to place. But I know these books have a purpose and need to be read. I believe in my work — in fact, now more than ever. Which is why today I feel discouraged about being lost in the crowd. But in addition to having the sunny-side-up personality, I also have an innate inability to give up. So today I may go swirling down the whirlpool, but tomorrow I will have figured out a way to climb onto shore. I may lie there for a moment, catching my breath, but then I’ll get up and continue on the journey once more. The books are like a present, all shiny and tied up with a bow, containing the unknown — you have to open them to find the gift inside.

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