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You’ve done it. You conceived of a story idea, sat down and wrote ALL the words and finally reached the point where you typed The End. You’re exhilirated. The world will gasp and hold its sides at how perfect your story is. It is, without a doubt, a work of art … sheer poetry in prose form.

I’ll be honest … I feel like I’ve just run a race when I reach the end of the first draft of any novel I’ve written and like I should be taking a victory lap. It is a HUGE accomplishment, and one we can all be proud of. Except the completion of the first draft is equivalent to reaching the starter’s line for the race, not the end. The first thing I do on completion of a first draft is put it away and go on to the million-and-one other things I have to do, whether it be starting a new project or polishing up an old one. I need fresh eyes before I go back and look at the masterpiece I have just penned … because I need to be able to see the mistakes. And they are there, I can promise you that.

Let’s say you’ve finished up the story, read through it again, confirmed your own conviction that it is wonderful and you send it off to be read by someone else. Someone who has a critical eye, because that’s what your story needs, someone to find those things that aren’t quite right to help you make sure it is the best story it can possibly be.

Then your story — your perfect little story — comes back and looks as if Jack the Ripper and the Warwick Slasher were having a contest to see who could rip it up the most. It is bleeding with red ink and your feelings go from confidence to failure in two short seconds. Thoughts start chasing each other in your mind. How could it be so bad??? Why did I think I could write in the first place?? Maybe I should give up? You have failed to achieve the effect with your story that you wanted. It’s OKAY. Failure is embedded in the fabric of success. No one achieves perfection the first time out. And in writing, I daresay no one achieves perfection. So let’s change how we view failure.

It has become popular to make fun of people’s failures … in fact, there are memes (Nailed It!) dedicated to mocking failed attempts. And yes, the attempt failed, but at least they tried. Something the mockers didn’t do. And here is the thing about failure, it is only the end result if you give up on trying to achieve your goal. You failed … so what? What did you learn this time to make the next attempt better? Because every mark on that story represents an opportunity to learn and improve your craft.

I am always extremely thankful for all of the red marks. Someone else has taken the time to help me see things I was blind to to help me make my story the best it can be. Does that red mark represent a failure? You bet, but it also represents something that can be fixed now that I am aware there is a problem. I really like the acronym for FAIL — First Attempt In Learning.

Instead of feeling down because we have not achieved perfection, we should relish the things we have learned through trying and failing. Does it mean we have more work to do? You bet. But nothing makes me happier than making my story better and stronger. Success is built on the back of failure — when we choose to learn from those failures.

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The post YWS: Embracing Failure appeared first on Be the Cat.

Let me just say that I don’t pay attention to reviews … no, really. I cannot tell you how many there are on Goodreads or Amazon or any other retailer. I also cannot tell you what they say. The only time I even see them is if I need to look at the product page for any reason. Otherwise, unless someone tells me about it, I don’t know. So when Italia mentioned something about a statement made in a review of 7th Grade Revolution and to keep it in mind for The Journal of Angela Ashby, I hadn’t seen the review and my response was that they are different books and what the reviewer had commented on wasn’t intended to be a part of 7th Grade Revolution, but that it already was handled in The Journal of Angela Ashby.

Yes, this is the point when the discussion took a turn toward the intense zone. And in the discussion, I said this:

It’s like trying to shame a cat for not having the characteristics of a dog.

The cat is going to squint its eyes, think of ways to murder, and do nothing to change the fact that it is indeed, a cat.

In the reverse, the dog will scurry around trying to figure out how to increase its catliness and will be worried and seeking approval.

While most of the time, I’m more dog than cat … in this … I am all cat.

When it comes to my writing — the thing I do I am most passionate about — I write the book I have envisioned to the best of my ability. There isn’t a single book I haven’t pushed myself on to make the best it can possibly be — but once it has been released, it is out in the world and I cannot run around explaining to all who read it why I made the choices I made. It either comes across well, or it doesn’t. I make no apologies for my work … ever. If I missed the mark, I missed the mark, but I’m going to do my best to hit it the next time. And no book is ever going to hit everyone the same. Why? Because the readers are a huge part of the experience, and we each have our own tastes and no one book is going to satisfy everyone.

Before I got off my soapbox and put it away, I wound up telling Italia that instead of being bothered by anything she sees in the reviews, she needs to Be the Cat. Because I am. At that point she told me it needed to be my blog.

It has since become a running joke between us. We all need a bit more cat when it comes to other people deciding what we should or should not have done. And the truth of the matter is, it wasn’t that the reviews were terrible or saying the book wasn’t well-written, it’s just that the reviewer wanted to see something more that I CHOSE not to put in. It was a conscious choice on my part during the writing process. So one or two (adult) readers are disappointed … I’m sorry about that, but I stand on the ground that I write for my target audience who are kids, and had I included what an adult felt was lacking, the kids would not have enjoyed the experience as much. In my opinion, but then again, I am the cat.

Does this mean I’m not open to constructive criticism? Absolutely not. I am always striving to improve my craft, and if I’ve completely missed something, then I do want to know about it. But, if what was “missed” is something I did with deliberation and not through ignorance or oversight, it was a choice I made for my work and I’m standing by my choice. Overall, with the reception 7th Grade Revolution has had, I feel pretty good about my choices for the book. Not only has it won some awards, but every kid I have spoken to who has read the book has loved it.

I will leave you with these words … if there is something you are passionate about, think about the cat when the cat has a goal. The cat is consumed by what it is trying to achieve; it remains undaunted in the face of obstacles; you can tell it, “No!” a hundred times, and it might twitch an ear and wait for you to get tired, but it never once loses sight of its goal. This is how we need to approach those things we are passionate about … ignoring the naysayers, keeping our focus, and being persistent until we figure out how to best achieve our goals.

BE THE CAT!

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Let me explain …

I have basically been confined to the house for the last year and a half because while I had my leukemia and lymphoma in remission, it slipped back into an active state. While active, my immune system is compromised, and the targeted therapy course I am on to stabilize the cancer also suppresses the immune system. In other words, any little bug floating around that wasn’t enough to keep the kid home from school, could potentially put me in the hospital because I have no resources to fight sickness. My blood values on the cancer have been stable for several months, so we decided the Career Day was a good opportunity to test the immune system boosters I’ve been going through for the past five months — properly protected, of course.

Many of the kids who came to my table were at first confused by what jobs I was there representing. I expected them to be. As I cannot go out in a public setting without wearing a face mask and (if potential for contact is present) gloves, I decided to dress to theme and wear scrubs. So some kids thought I was a doctor or a nurse while others thought I might be a vet because I had Sergio with me — which was the goal. Why? So when they questioned what job I had, or made an assumption, it reminded me to talk about the leukemia and how they should follow their dreams/passions no matter the obstacle. It was also a subtle reminder to them not to “judge a book by its cover.”

Here are a few of my observations/remembrances from the day and some of the questions I was asked:

• All the kids I spoke with were fantastic. They had a “passport” to collect stamps from each of the presenter tables they went to. They quickly learned the question of “stamp my paper?” would be declined until we had talked a bit.
• If you give me a marker in the morning, by the day’s end I will have marker on my face.
• The event was well organized and flowed smoothly.
• Is it real? (while pointing at Sergio, my stuffed sloth) was one of the most frequently asked questions of the day.
• Some of the other questions were:
  • How many books have you written? (10 with about 20 in the pipeline)
  • What is the favorite book you’ve written? (Tough question as I love all my work, but Speak No Evil (2019 Young Adult) because I love the concept of communicating through music instead of words)
  • What is 7th Grade Revolution about? (Synopsis here)
  • Where do you get your ideas? (Twitter — for 7th Grade Revolution and The Star Warriors and the Secret of the Red Key (Homeless Myths Series), dreams — Misfit McCabe series, characters popping up and talking to me — The Journal of Angela Ashby (Fall 2018) and Speak No Evil, life experience.)
  • Why do you like writing? and Why do you write? (Because getting lost in the worlds of my characters consumes me and the characters in my head won’t let me be until I write their stories.)
  • How much schooling did it take for your job? (For me? I didn’t have any specific schooling for the jobs I have. I took college courses to be a teacher. But for the System Analyst job there is a Bachelor of Science degree (4 years) most companies want, and for writing there is a Masters of Fine Arts degree(5-6 years). I have taken creative writing courses through adult education and studied my craft through books and articles on the internet for writing. Ultimately, by following your passions and learning as much as you can about them, the jobs will find you.)
  • What is a System Analyst or Process Analyst? (I look at what the people in my company do, how they are doing it, review our system capabilities and identify the gaps, then make recommendations for bridging the gaps and/or build a tool to bridge the gap for the immediate term)
  • Is it contagious? on learning I have leukemia (No, it is a cancer of the blood and cannot be shared)
  • Do you get writer’s block and how do you get rid of it? (Not very often, but when I do it’s because I’m missing something. Ways to combat it are to go for a walk, listen to music, and spend time with my characters.)
  • What inspired you to write? (Reading, Little Women by Louisa May Alcott, and the stories won’t leave me alone until I write them.)
  • How long have you been doing your job? (System Analyst/Process Efficiency Expert – 23 years, Writing … since I was 9 — when I began a terrible book — but finished my first novel at age 23, which went on to win a teen choice award in Toronto.)
  • Can I touch it? meaning Sergio (Yes)
• The energy of the event carried me through the day. I love talking about what I do. And seeing the kids eyes light up when I described what happens in 7th Grade Revolution or how the Timmy and the Golden Lion Tamarin books bring awareness to endangered species as well social issues kept me going.
• My voice managed to hold up throughout all the sessions, although today I’m croaking like a frog.

Even though tired by the end of the event, I was able to make the drive home fueled by the energy from the kids. And I cannot wait to go back for their book fair in April. On the way home, Sergio decided my mask makes a better hat.

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While I just happened to see this in my feed, the original has been around for a while, as it was featured on Animal Planet in 2011, so Violet and Sebastian are all grown up now. I’ll bet they are just as cute. I enjoy the narrated video because not only can you see the extraordinary care being given to these homeless sloths, but you can hear it in their caretakers voice. They are loved. Do you think I could start a sloth reserve for homeless sloths? Sergio would enjoy the company.

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You’re all set … you’ve got the right notebook and right pen, or your computer screen is ready and the cursor is blinking at you from the page. You settle in take a deep breath — and you’ve got nothing. Not a single thought of where the story is going. Not a single word to scribble or type. Nada. Bubkis. The clean white page or blinking cursor is mocking you. How can this be when you were so ready to write?

I’m not a big fan of the term writer’s block because the word block tends to make me feel like the problem is insurmountable. And if I walk around telling myself I’m completely blocked … I will be. The situation will only get worse. Because tomorrow, you’re not going to be as eager to write because you have the word BLOCK stuck in your head. The day after that will be even harder until so much time has passed and you’re afraid to even face the blank page. So the question becomes how to avoid the big, bad block.

Every writer I have ever known has faced at least a few bad moments where the words are hard to find, and there are posts all over the internet about how to get around the block. But how do you know which method is going to be most effective? How can you keep trying if you keep failing to get words on the page? For me, it all boils down to one little word … Why?

When the words dry up and I am staring at the page, rather than get frustrated, I start looking for the reason. There is always a reason. And once I figure out the reason, the writing resumes. People have different ways of dealing with the words drying up and that will be the topic for another post. The method most effective for me is to walk away from the screen, put my headphones on, and go for a walk. While I’m on the walk, I don’t furiously think about the book I’m writing or actively try to figure out the issue — I put the brain on autopilot and listen. My brain is much smarter than I am, and if I give it a chance, it always gives me the reason.

Here are some of the reasons the words can dry up:

1. Not knowing the characters well enough. If I don’t know the characters well, then how can I possibly tell their story with any conviction?
2. Not knowing where the story is going. You can know your characters well, but if you don’t know what they are doing next, you might need to take a break and let them tell you.
3. Not listening to your characters. This may depend on the type of writer you are. In my writing, the characters drive the story forward. So when I know my characters and know where we’re going, sometimes I get on a roll writing, and stop listening to them … until we come to a screeching halt. Once I listen I learn I didn’t have the full story.
4. Impostor Syndrome. Show me a writer, and I’ll show you someone who has had at least a few moments of doubt along their journey. So many don’t feel like a real writer because of X, Y, or Z. It’s hard to keep moving forward when you feel like a fake. If this is the reason, then you have to remind yourself that the act of putting words on the page means you ARE a writer. Good, bad, or indifferent … you are writing, so therefore a writer. Bad or indifferent writing can be edited — a blank page cannot be.
5. Fear. This comes in many forms. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of people hating your work. Fear of not realizing you are terrible. Fear of putting yourself out there for the public to criticize. If you never finish, you never have to face these fears.

Once you understand the reason you have stopped writing, you can take action to overcome whatever the issue is, and once you do that, the words will flow again.

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A burning forest in Apui, Brazil. Credit Bruno Kelly/Reuters

Deforestation is one of the largest contributors to the decline of wildlife species — whether the forest land is burned or is cut down for commercial use, or to create farms and roads. In the 80s ecologist Thomas Lovejoy conducted an experiment in Brazil’s Amazon rain forest by asking the loggers to leave patches of untouched forest for the animals to live in. The problem was that the smaller isolated patches didn’t prevent decline of the species. Animals in the isolated patches are more prone to disease and are unable to handle the climate fluctuations as well. Some ecologists have decided to put Lovejoy’s experiment in reverse and instead of creating the patches of forest, plant wildlife corridors connecting the patches together.

I love the idea of the connecting corridors, which will be approximately six-tenths of a mile wide, and researchers have already identified where 20 such corridors can be built. When I think of it from a bird’s eye view (a very high flying bird) it would be like looking down at a maze. The corridors won’t stave off extinction of the species, but they may slow the demise enough for larger areas of forest to be repopulated. The golden lion tamarins have already started using the corridor created in the Atlantic Forest north of Rio de Janeiro.

My character Timmy would absolutely love this project, and he and Rin would want to fly off to Rio de Janeiro to help with the planting. Timmy would be planting industriously while Rin ran down the corridor giggling and calling out to all his new friends.

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Monster Loch Ness Scotland, Nessie MaxPixel

For years, there have been sightings of the Loch Ness Monster in Scotland, and while some of those sightings, including the most famous of them, have been proven as hoaxes, there are enough sightings to at least consider there may be an “unknown” species hanging out in Loch Ness. And scientists have considered whether the monster could be a descendant of the plesiosaur, a discarded theory, but enough to open the door for consideration of a species like it. I’m rather partial to the myth of Nessie because a monster of that ilk becomes part of the mythological fabric in my upcoming Homeless Myths series.

One creature we didn’t know about as a separate species until 2001 is the pygmy three-toed sloth. Sergio, a character in the Timmy and the Golden Lion Tamarin series, is the endangered animal who befriends Luna and helps her deal with her problems. I was fascinated when researching sloths to learn the reason the pygmy sloths are smaller than other types of sloths is because they had to adapt to their environment. The pygmy three-toed sloth is only found in a 4 square kilometer (~2.5 square miles) mangrove forest off of Panama on the Isla Escudo de Veraguas. Deforestation has put the pygmy three-toed sloth on the critically endangered species list and measures are now being taken to build up rather than destroy their habitat.

Without people like the monster-hunting Cryptozoologists who are always searching for hidden animals, would we even know of the existence of the pygmy three-toed sloth? Would it have perished before we were aware it lived at all? Something to think about.

* Cryptozoology is the study of hidden animals with the aim to prove the existence of entities from folklore.
** Conservation is the practice of protecting wild plant and animal species and their habitats. The goal of wildlife conservation is to ensure that nature will be around for future generations to enjoy and also to recognize the importance of wildlife and wilderness for humans and other species alike. Wikipedia

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You’ve just had a fabulous idea for a story and your brain is bursting with all the details and you cannot wait to write it. You sit down at the keyboard and pull up a page, or grab a notepad if you draft long hand, and the blank page mocks you with its emptiness. The only thing on your mind is a huge question: Where do you START? The sizzling in your brain fades and you think maybe the idea wasn’t so great after all if you don’t know how to get started.

STOP!

You’re trying to run the race before you’ve put your feet on the ground. Before your story can have legs, you need to know more about it. You need an outline. (I feel like there should be a musical tag here of dun-dun-DUN!!!) Before you freak out and start protesting that you can’t outline because it robs you of your creativity, or that you’re a panster and if you try to figure out your story beforehand, it becomes stilted and flat, I’m saying outline in the loosest sense of the word. An outline is not always a document with Roman Numerals listing all the scenes in the book. If I had to do that, I’d be rocking in the corner whimpering at the thought and I’d never get the outline written, let alone the book. Because when I write a book, I don’t know all the scenes that will end up in the book before I start. Part of the magic of writing is allowing your characters to develop and letting them lead the way.

Outlining could be developing your story structure which is figuring out your major plot points and when they occur throughout the story. Mystery writers might be more focused on this type of development prior to starting so they don’t wind up in a muddle half way through. There are some well known methods like Blake Snyder’s Save the Cat! which was developed more for screenwriting, but the use of beat sheets has been adopted by several novelists as well. Or you can try Randy Ingermanson’s Snowflake Method which starts with a single overarching idea, the idea for the story summed up in a single sentence, and builds from there.

I have a friend who usually starts with the Snowflake Method, but when I attempt it, the only thing that happens is brain frostbite. So what happens if you don’t work well with a more formalized method of outlining? Start with what got you excited to begin with. Write down your idea. That’s always a good place to start because you might not remember it clearly later. Fill in as much detail as you can because I cannot tell you how many times I’ve gone back to my outline and realized I had forgotten something. Once you have the story idea down, what next?

Play 20 Questions. Not really, but think of all the questions you need to answer and jot them down. Who is the main character? What makes them tick? What is their biggest obstacle in the story? How do they overcome it? Or DO they overcome it? Where does the story take place? What place in time does the story take place? What is the character’s main motivation? Who or what is the antagonist? How does the conflict escalate? What I’m really telling you to do is brainstorm. Once you’ve answered all the questions you can think of to start with, you’ll have a much better idea of where to start your story, what type of research you need to do before beginning to write, and where you want to end up when you’re done.

Whichever method you choose, the next time you face the blank page, it will invite you to start writing.

The start image at the top of the post is: © Lina0486 | Dreamstime Stock Photos & Stock Free Images

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Because of the frequency in which bullying appears in my work, I periodically research bully prevention techniques, statistics for how things are changing, such as less physical and more cyber bullying occurs today vs. in the past, and in my recent research, I ran across something that struck me as something we need to address to help change the bullying climate. The importance of NOT labeling. What a profound truth. Labeling is a way to try and put people in one box or another, and we’d all be better off if we simply accepted people for their individual uniqueness rather than attempting to label them. But that is a topic for another time. How does labeling relate to the situation with bullying?

When we talk about a kid who bullies others, we label them as “the bully”. When we talk about a kid who is being bullied, we label them “the victim”. Even looking up labeling, the first thing I ran across was the following definition: assign to a category, especially inaccurately or restrictively. “children were labeled as bullies” Once a label has been applied, our brains, which keep everything heard, said, or thought — even if we don’t remember it — tucks that label away and give us the impression that this is what and who we are. Especially with kids, when told they are a bully that label gets applied by their brain and they may feel they cannot change. This is what they are … a bully. This works the same way with the victim label. The word victim has all sorts of negative connotations associated with it. As a society, we have reached the point where we tend to blame the victim for allowing the situation to occur, rather than focusing on the behavior of the perpetrator. So not only does the person being bullied have to deal with the situation itself, but they also have to deal with the blame associated for allowing it to happen to them. NO ONE wants to be the victim. Again, as with the one bullying, when the label of victim is applied, the brain clings to it and we start to see ourselves in this light. And it can feel like there is no way to get out from under the label.

Labels such as these are inaccurate at best based on a specific situation. Once a kid has been deemed a bully, then it is easy to overlook when a different situation arises that they play a different role. Maybe instead of the bullier, they are the bullied, or perhaps trying to defend someone being bullied. It is the same with the victim — it may apply to a single circumstance and we become blinded by the label. I explore this situation in The Journal of Angela Ashby where Angela doesn’t like the school bullies and is intent on keeping her best friend from being bullied, but in the process becomes the bullier of those who bullied her friend. Labels also disregard other factors such as peer influence and the situational climate.

How do we get away from these labels which are damaging regardless of which is used? Focus on the behavior and not the person. Instead of calling a person a bully, refer to them as the person who bullied. Instead of referring to someone as the victim, refer to them as the person who was bullied. This takes the focus off the person and puts it on the situation and each person’s role in the specific situation. It isn’t a label your brain tries to hang onto for life.

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As I am allergic to Benadryl, they give me a steroid instead to help minimize the allergic reactions … and I do need it. The problem was that the preceding treatment, the chemo nurse charted that she had given me 10mg and I know my doctor had given instructions for 4mg. I recalled the conversation verbatim, and the doctor agreed that is what she had said, but we didn’t know whether the chart had been incorrectly marked or whether I had been given the 10mg vs. the ordered 4mg. (The chemo nurse is no longer with my oncologist, and it’s probably a good thing if she cannot follow what the doctor orders.) So we decided to proceed with the 4mg. That settled, I pulled out my laptop, settled back in the chair, and started working on some things.

I always bring stuff to work on while I’m there because I don’t sleep easily or well in that type of environment and can’t sit there and stare at the walls doing nothing. So I have my laptop and can work on whatever I have the brain power for (which this time around wasn’t much). I also can hop on the internet and do some surfing or watch a movie, as I usually bring one along. The morning went by quickly and then it happened. I made the BIG mistake of invoking Murphy’s law by making the following statement: “Wow, it’s going fast today.” I said it after the second bottle had completed, so should have been half way done and I had hopes of being done early. Murhpy just gave a huge evil belly laugh and said, “Not so fast.”

With the third bottle hooked in, I figured it would be a good time to watch the movie I had brought with me because I really was too tired to do much else. So I popped in Spy and began watching. I had seen Spy before and thought it would be a nice, light-hearted watch. I enjoy Melissa McCarthy and though the film itself is on the spoof/ridiculous side figured it might not be quite as funny the second time round, but still something to take me away. Boy, was I wrong. I had forgotten to factor in my state of exhaustion, so it was like watching the movie after a few too many drinks. It was hysterical. I nearly snort-sprayed my monitor on lines I KNEW were coming up. And it was difficult to keep from laughing out loud (I didn’t want to wake anyone who was napping by cackling away.) I could not have made a more perfect selection for the day. Anyway, if you’re utterly exhausted and want to watch something for giggles, I’d certainly recommend it.

Somewhere toward the end of the movie, I noticed that my drip wasn’t doing it’s thing and dripping. It was still working, but going extremely slow. I didn’t think we’d ever get that bottle done with. So, instead of being on the fast track, I was going to be done later than usual. By the time all was said and done, it was after 6PM before I left the doctor’s office. Then I had to swing by the pharmacy to drop off a prescription for some sleep assistance. I haven’t been sleeping well at all of late. An hour at a stretch, with a lot of wakeful time in between, so it was time to get some help.

I arrived home more than 12 hours after I had left, just in time to take my chemo. And by the time I did get home, I noticed something. My left wrist felt almost completely numb, as if it had been broken, and both ankles were going numb. Definitely an allergic reaction. And then it clicked … earlier I had been extremely antsy and couldn’t stay seated in the chair, which does happen with me from time to time, so I didn’t think anything about it, but realized, it was a precursor to the swelling happening by the time I arrived home.

Knowing what was happening, I was able to get things under control quickly, but I think it answered the question of what dosage of the steroid the chemo nurse had given me the last time. So, my next visit, the doc and I will have a chat about how to best handle the amount.

The picture of Mount St. Helens is a reminder for me that even after devastation, the tenacity of life can conquer.

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When I started this blog, I promised to be as real as I could with it in sharing my journey along way. One of the things I have talked about the most is the fatigue that comes with not only the cancer itself, but with the cure. And right now I’m in the Bermuda Triangle of Fatigue coupled with the Catch-22 of not sleeping well. FATIGUE is the most common problem cancer fighters face, no matter hwat your version of the illness, there is this big dude named Fatigue waiting in a dark corner to club you with his baseball bat and knock you to your knees.

As a person with leukemia, the question I hear all the time from everyone around is is How are you feeling? or the statement I hope you are well. Please don’t miunserstand the following … I love that I have so MANY people in my life that CARE enough about me to ask how I am. I honestly do. BUT, it is also the question I have no happy answer for. Right now, there is not a circumstance wihen that question will have an ansswer of Great!! and I know the asker is not expecting that. If I say I’m fine … I’m lying. I am not fine. I have leyukemia and lymphoma and I am taking chemo to help get them back under control and I am now going for an infusion to boost the immune system which should win the academy award for best portrayal of playing dead. When I say I’m okay, take that as the best possible answer I can provide at the moment without lying to anyone. But most of the time, if I’m not lying … and I don’t like to do that to questions genuinely asked, the true and honest answer is going to be, I’m tired. Or I will simply avoid answering the question.

There are only so many times you can say, I’m tired or I’m fatigued or This day is kicking my butt before you feel like a Grade A, Number 1, First Class WHINER. I try to keep things positive most of the time, because I NEED TO. It’s not because I want to come off as little Mary Sunshine adorning everyone’s days with rays of light and rainbows, though I do try to spread happiness and love as I can. But I need to harness the power of the positive to help me defeat this beast trying to take me down. So when pretty much every day I am asekd to answer a question where there is a negative response waitingm, it does tkae me down a notch.

Normally, I don’t care what other people thingk about me. Primarily because it is their perception and feeling and the only thing I can do to sway them one way or the other is to continue being me. But in this case, when the words tired and fatigue are used so frequently, you begin to wonder whether people’s perception of you is changing through no fault of your own. DO THEY consider you a whiner for always being tired? But then I started to wonder whether a better understanding of what is meant by fatigue would help create common understanding for those who have not experienced this level of fatigue. So today, in this post, I’m NOT TELLING you I’m tired, I’m SHOWING you HOW tired I am. I have a form of dyslexia that is much harder to control when I am tired. Most of the time, when “Normal“, when letters arrange themselves in my brain in the wrong order by the time the command hits the fintgers typing the characters, the rearrangement of the owrd has taken place or I immediatelly catch on typeing and correct. Not this time. My brain is somewhat scrambled and the orders it thinks it is goving are not recived correctly by the fingers and mistakes are made. Frequently.

Big deal, right? Wrong. Those who know my nearly obsessive attention to detail when it comes to writing can confirm how much errors normally upsets me. Me On Fatigue = Scrambled Brain (breakfast anyone?) Thius manifests iteslf not only in writing but in speech as well. My entire language center can go on the fritz and sometimes it is really bad. Tonight, as I arrived home from my infusion (actually dropping off a prescription at the pharmacy, but I’ll get to that in a moment) I stard blankly into the car as I tried to remember what I had done with the credit card after the pharmacy clerk had returned it. Then I became confused becauyse I couldn’t remember giving it to her. Then FINALLY realization dawned: I hadn’t given her the credit card becayse the ONLY thinkg I was doing was DROPPING OFF the prescription. Now imagine that about every activity you do throughoyut your day. This truly illustrated a moment of the brain on fatigue. I was getting ready to tear the car aaprt when I remembered about only dropping it off. I DID however search for the excuse note I had drafted for the jury duty summons I have received, as I will not be able to appear. I rmemebered to ask about it (YAY!!! foir me) I remembered to remind the chemo nurse that I needed it. I helped her write it. And then I’m pretty sure I left it on the counter after having input my next appointments into my phone. Brain on Fatigue Fatigue means I can’t think straigh, I can’t write straight, I can’t speak straight, my emotions are a jumble and are raw and right next to the surface. It is easy to make me cry, and easier to piss me off. The good news is that, as always, it is easy to make me smile and laugh as well. More things are funny and more things are terrible. The brakes have come off, all filters have been dissolved, and life feels very much like something you’ll never have control over, even as an illusion, again.

So … after all that? How am I? I’m Tired. I’m Exhausted. I’m Fatigued/. And I very much open that you’ll not think less of me for feeling this way. It is honestly where I am. And hoepfully as well, you can understand how being reminded of such becomes a negative. Because the other thing I am (as in How am I) is De3aling. I am dealing with the cancer, dealing with the cures, dealing with the ftigyue, dealing with the isolation, dealing with my workload, dealing with not sleeping, or sleeping too much, dealing with getting ill and nto haveing anything to fight with … all of it in the ONLY way I know how.

One. Step. At. A. Time.

The picture at the top of the post is one I selected to show the tenacity of my hope; the tenacity of my faith. Tomorrow the sun is going to rise, and tomorrow, I am going to be here to see ti. Mabye not as it rises, but I will know on waking each day (presuming I have actually sletp) anothe r day has dawned. And the picture of the lantern is something in the chemo room the nurses clubbed together to buy as a decoration for the room for the patients. To remind us that through Love and Caring, Faith Makes All Things Possible.

***Note – In the body of this post when I typed what I had intended to be the word typos and it came out sypot, I laughed and couldn’t help but use it for the Subject of this post. So yes, the post Title misspelling was deliberate. Everyuthing else you have suffered through in this post comes from the very addled brain of yours truly./

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But I will continue to do as I did before … Bring things to work on, bring movies to watch, and basically keep occupied during the process. Rather than be upset that I have another hurdle to go through, I am choosing to be happy because this will help me get well. And if I respond as well to this treatment as I am to the chemo, then I’ll be back to normal in no time at all. And I was absolutely delighted when they hooked up the port and it worked beautifully and didn’t even require flushing. I wasn’t sure whether the port would need to be cleared out or not because it has been nearly 3 years since its last use.

The biggest issue, per usual, was being allergic to Benadryl. My oncologist always gets nervous when starting a new treatment because part of the standard protocol she uses is to give allergy medication in advance of the treatment to minimize the potential for allergic reactions. And I am allergic to so many things … Then came the question as to whether we would use the steroid as we had with the treatment 2013/2014 instead of Benadryl. Slight problem, there were contraindications for the steroid with the chemo. Except because of what the contraindicators were, we decided to go ahead and use the steroids. I’m glad we did because I would have had an allergic reaction.

The biggest issues encountered with this infusion were increased fatigue levels and some joint pain. Fortunately, the joint pain has been manageable, and I have rested more this past week, hence my not posting this immediately. I finally caught up on rest yesterday and am not feeling as fatigued today. I will find out the results of the infusion and how the chemo is going tomorrow … so stay tuned.

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