Because of the frequency in which bullying appears in my work, I periodically research bully prevention techniques, statistics for how things are changing, such as less physical and more cyber bullying occurs today vs. in the past, and in my recent research, I ran across something that struck me as something we need to address to help change the bullying climate. The importance of NOT labeling. What a profound truth. Labeling is a way to try and put people in one box or another, and we’d all be better off if we simply accepted people for their individual uniqueness rather than attempting to label them. But that is a topic for another time. How does labeling relate to the situation with bullying?

When we talk about a kid who bullies others, we label them as “the bully”. When we talk about a kid who is being bullied, we label them “the victim”. Even looking up labeling, the first thing I ran across was the following definition: assign to a category, especially inaccurately or restrictively. “children were labeled as bullies” Once a label has been applied, our brains, which keep everything heard, said, or thought — even if we don’t remember it — tucks that label away and give us the impression that this is what and who we are. Especially with kids, when told they are a bully that label gets applied by their brain and they may feel they cannot change. This is what they are … a bully. This works the same way with the victim label. The word victim has all sorts of negative connotations associated with it. As a society, we have reached the point where we tend to blame the victim for allowing the situation to occur, rather than focusing on the behavior of the perpetrator. So not only does the person being bullied have to deal with the situation itself, but they also have to deal with the blame associated for allowing it to happen to them. NO ONE wants to be the victim. Again, as with the one bullying, when the label of victim is applied, the brain clings to it and we start to see ourselves in this light. And it can feel like there is no way to get out from under the label.

Labels such as these are inaccurate at best based on a specific situation. Once a kid has been deemed a bully, then it is easy to overlook when a different situation arises that they play a different role. Maybe instead of the bullier, they are the bullied, or perhaps trying to defend someone being bullied. It is the same with the victim — it may apply to a single circumstance and we become blinded by the label. I explore this situation in The Journal of Angela Ashby where Angela doesn’t like the school bullies and is intent on keeping her best friend from being bullied, but in the process becomes the bullier of those who bullied her friend. Labels also disregard other factors such as peer influence and the situational climate.

How do we get away from these labels which are damaging regardless of which is used? Focus on the behavior and not the person. Instead of calling a person a bully, refer to them as the person who bullied. Instead of referring to someone as the victim, refer to them as the person who was bullied. This takes the focus off the person and puts it on the situation and each person’s role in the specific situation. It isn’t a label your brain tries to hang onto for life.

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• The Forgotten Lesson of Dumbo

  The irony of the situation struck me almost immediately. A girl is teased for having big ears, and is told she has “elephant ears”, and is called Dumbo because of their size. And yet, when we look closely at the message of the story of Dumbo, we don’t see Dumbo going to the plastic surgeon.

• Dumbo is born with big ears. But his mother loves him and thinks he is beautiful.



• Dumbo is teased and taunted by the other elephants.
• Throughout the story, Dumbo only has one friend (aside from his mother) who tries to cheer him up and teach him that what the others think doesn’t matter.
• Ultimately Dumbo finds out that the one thing which has been the bane of his existence is the very thing that makes him the most special. Because of his big ears, he is the only elephant that can fly.

What is missing from Nadia’s story is the support of friends and family to help her understand that what others think about her appearance doesn’t matter. No, she’s not one day going to learn to fly with her ears, but symbolically by overcoming the teasing and taunting and learning that she is a unique and special individual, she can then soar in her own life.

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• The Voice of the People

  I journeyed warily into the land of comments. My imagination ran rife with what I should expect, and yes, the people supplied. Every type of opinion was offered from Way to go, Nadia! You’re pretty, now. to We need to stop coddling kids—they just need to toughen up and we need to get the nannying government out of our business. Here are a few of the viewpoints that stuck with me:



• “We’re turning an entire generation of kids into soft, squishy dependents who never learn to stand up for themselves.” Wow. That was just the beginning. I believe there is a serious misunderstanding about bullying awareness and handling that leads to this type of thinking. and this was one of MANY who expressed the same thought.

• “It’s a real good thing that this woman got the surgery she desperately needed. Too bad they didn’t take just a little more off her nose. It’s still big.” Ummm, what? This is a fourteen-year-old, not a woman, and the surgery was elective not required.

• “What happens if they find something else to tease her about? What happens if they tease her for getting plastic surgery? It sounds cliche, but yes, she is letting the bullies win. Jerks that tease other people in middle school often grow up and continue to be jerks. Why give power to such low-lifes?” I’ll stop here because otherwise I’ll go on forever with the comments.

The internet has given rise to the ability for everyone to express their opinion, whether informed or not, on any and all topics. I find it somewhat ironic that this has also led to people expressing their opinions without thinking them through. We get into a rush to make sure our voice is heard, we forget to think about what it is that we are saying, and how those words will be received. The comments that bothered me the most about the situation were the ones focusing on her appearance, both before and afterward because it shows that she is still being judged for her appearance which lends credence to the bullies who have done so. In the next Bullying vs Self-Esteem post, I’ll discuss the forgotten lesson of Dumbo.

Originally posted in full on Rebecca Hamilton’s blog as a part of the Books Against Bullies campaign

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Lawrence "Larry" King

Bullying is a hot topic these days. As a nation, we’re grappling with how best to stop bullying and yet more cases are jumping into the public eye. Recently the case of Jamey Rodemeyer has been making headlines, because bullying drove this fourteen-year-old boy to take his own life. At the same time, the case of the Lawrence King shooting by then fourteen-year-old Brandon McInerney may be re-tried because the first trial ended in mistrial.

While I am not a member of the jury, nor did I sit in the courtroom to hear all of the testimony, I’m a little flummoxed by the results of this trial. There is no question as to whether Brandon McInerney shot Larry King. None. There was a roomful of witnesses. My understanding of the situation is that the defense pressed the point that King’s behavior pushed McInerney to the breaking point by wearing feminine attire and via means of sexual harassment with words such as “Love you baby!”. In other words, vilifying the victim.

Brandon McInerney

Wait! We’re leaning toward manslaughter on a charge where the perpetrator had enough forethought to bring the gun to school and shoot the victim execution style twice in the back of the head? It wasn’t his fault because the victim wore high heel boots and make-up to school? I hear echoes of “It wasn’t my fault, your honor. She was asking for it.” in rape cases. Or in this case… it’s not a hate crime because the victim was asking for it. We, as a nation, are running an extreme risk with this type of thought process. While Larry may not have handled the bullying by Brandon in the most appropriate manner, are we really saying that the alleged words “What’s up, baby?” are enough to incite murder?

Middle School and High School are tumultuous times at best. The campus is populated with kids trying to figure out who they are and how they want to express themselves. Larry chose to express himself by wearing make-up and high-heeled boots. This cannot be used as an excuse for deliberately taking his life. Larry dressed that way as an expression of who he was, and that Brandon didn’t like it was… tough — or should have been.

I currently have pink highlights in my hair. There are a few reasons I have done this… most of them personal, but the biggest reason is that it is fun. It is an expression of who I am. I’m sure that there are people who think that it is ridiculous or even worse, it is an expression of underlying deviancy which could lead to horrible things. Should someone be allowed to state as an excuse for shooting me that the pink in my hair incited them to do it? That somehow the pink was taunting them in some way? While this may seem an superfluous example, in my mind it is no different than saying the fact that Larry wore make-up and boots incited Brandon to take action, and therefore we must be lenient toward Brandon.

I do believe that Brandon perpetrated a hate crime. But I also believe that at fourteen-years-old, while he should have known better, there are some extenuating factors in his background which need to be kept in mind. This does not mean I believe the degree of murder should be mitigated down, but I don’t necessarily believe spending the rest of his life in prison is the right answer either. I would like to see Brandon receive intense therapy to help him overcome his past and if determined that he would be able to re-enter the “outside world” as a productive, contributing member of society, then I would like to see that happen. And I would like to see those who abused him dealt with as well.

We have to stop they bullying cycle!

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