I doubt I will posting quite this often once we get into things, but I figured I should probably get this one out while I still had a few minutes before lastminuteitis sets in and I’m running all over the place trying to remember all the stuff I need to get done. Because tomorrow that will be me… without a doubt. The photo sets the right mood. I know the storm is coming in, but way in the distance, there is the glimmer of light and hope. I have my focal point—and you may need to remind me where it is from time to time—but we have a goal and a time when we will cross the finish line.
To answer some of the questions I’ve been fielding from all quarters, no, the change in diagnosis was not a shock. I’ve needed a hair cut and color for several months now, but haven’t had it done. Not because I haven’t had time, but because if I had to go through chemo, then the fewer chemicals on my head, the better. As many of you know, I do dye a portion of my hair pink, but it just didn’t seem like a good idea until I heard the final test results and the words, “no treatment necessary”. So it’s a good thing I didn’t dye my hair. The reason I didn’t was that in the back of my mind I felt as if chemo was a real possibility.
Why did I think I might be going through chemo when all the test results up until Thursday were clear (with the exception of CLL/SLL which I wasn’t going to worry about for several years)? *sigh* Because my fatigue has been too great, I have struggled lately with eating, and I have muscle cramps which are too frequent and too severe to be attributed to CLL early stages only. I have also been bruising from no impact, deep purply-black bruises which look like I’ve been scrubbed on by a toddler with a Magic Marker. These things are not normal. Something was wrong.
In a sense, the diagnosis is somewhat of a relief. If there weren’t these abnormalities running around in my system causing me to feel like a cat dragged backward through a knothole, then I’d have been wondering how much more hellish the next stage would be if THIS was Stage 0. No, I haven’t mentioned much about how I’ve been feeling. I have curtailed my online shenanigans, and I have rested more often than I’m used to. Some days are simply better than others.
Today happened to be one of those better days, after the headache I woke up with went away. I was able to finish setting up this site. I didn’t have to take a nap. I only struggled eating lunch a little bit, and was able to go out to dinner to celebrate our 17th anniversary with my husband (our anniversary was the 9th). Dinner was a good meal. I didn’t choke or feel like the food stopped half way down—and compared to what I have been able to eat, I felt like I actually had a meal. Complete with dessert. It was nice to celebrate without feeling ill.
Today we will call a good day. And for now, it’s enough to keep me focused on the light.