I have since changed my mind. Keeping the leukemia journey separate from the author journey damaged the message I want to convey. We all face obstacles in life — those pesky things get in the way of us attaining our dreams. I am going after my dreams and goals regardless of the obstacles I face due to illness. The biggest part of those dreams is writing the stories I am gifted with in the hopes that they reach and touch the hearts of others. And maybe by sharing the whole journey, I might inspire others to not give up, but to keep on going until their dreams have been achieved.

Last week, I posted about The Anticipated Decision. My blood values have skyrocketed and we made the chemo decision, but the question remained — which protocol? My doctor wanted some time to think about the best protocol for me, so I waited. When I hadn’t heard by Friday, I called and she asked whether she could call me on Saturday.

Saturday, the call didn’t go exactly as planned. I expected her to call with the name of the protocol. But instead, she was fence sitting. The abnormalities in the leukemia and lymphoma make it aggressive. Add my personal idiosyncracies to the aggressiveness of an otherwise slow-progressing disease, and I’m not the easiest patient.

She laid out a couple of options and told me to think about it and let her know. Cue the deer in the headlights look. It’s not that I cannot make a decision … but this seemed like such a BIG decision to make. And I didn’t know enough.

Thank goodness for the internet age where information is literally at our fingertips. At the end of my research, I had basically joined my doctor on the fence. I knew exactly why she had climbed there.

• It’s not my first chemo rodeo.
• The normally indolent CLL/SLL disease is like a rampaging bull in me.
• I’ve already lived with this for 6 years and I’m still younger than the average onset age.

The question isn’t just which protocol has the best chance, but what is our long-term strategy? After a LONG week of researching and thinking, I had boiled things down to two questions. 1) As one of the options was to resume taking the targeted maintenance therapy, was that postponing the inevitable? 2) If the chemo failed, was the targeted maintenance therapy still viable? The answer to both questions was yes, so decision = made.

I have never been one to shy away from the unpleasant. While I’m not ready to gleefully skip down the street because I will be back in the chemo chair, I am relieved to have a plan. Even though that plan means deliberately making myself sick in order to get better. But that is the trade-off. Six months of getting my cancer cells to commit suicide and six months of recovery, and I might enjoy several years of remission.

And there is the biggest carrot of them all. A chance to get out of the house and meet readers without having to be the masked author. Not having to take extra precautions when around other people to ensure my beleaguered immune system doesn’t give up the ghost. The obstacles I am not allowing to stop me can be removed for a period of time. And I will revel in every minute.

The next step is getting the treatment ordered and approved by insurance, and then I’ll be put on the chemo schedule. And now that the decision has been made, I can get back to what is most important to me … writing and sharing my writing. If you haven’t yet checked out Speak No Evil, I’d love it if you did. It is the best thing I have written to date and I’m so excited about it’s release October 1st.

The post The Treatment Decision appeared first on Be the Cat.

Does that mean I never have an off day? Far from it. I have had those days where either current circumstances or memory attacks take me to a bad place and I feel depleted of all energy, creativity, and I’m sure I’ll never smile again.

With a background in system technology, it is natural for me to address these bad moments/days with Conditional Analysis using If-Then statements. I’ll even use an acronym for one of the “result” responses — SIUB (Suck It Up Buttercup). When I reach a point where my emotions are overwhelming me, I do tend to get “clinical” in my approach to getting myself out of feeling the way I do. So … it runs something like this:

• Conditional Analysis – Section I — Is the situation something you have control over?
• If yes, then move to conditional analysis section 2
• If no, then go straight to SIUB (do not pass go, do not collect $200)
• Conditional Analysis – Section II — Do you know what will rectify the situation?
• If yes, then why haven’t you done it. Go directly to get off your butt and get it done. No one is going to do that for you, so take a deep breath and get ‘r done. Because once you fix what you have control over, your mood will shift.
• If no, then you need to figure it out. Go directly to SIUB.
• SIUB — The following are some methods that will help you deal with things over which you have no control as well as things where you know you have the control to help fix, but have no idea what to do.
• Call your bestie — This may rather sound like a cop out, but hear me out …
• From the jar of smiles I pulled this saying out:
  

  A best friend will make you laugh when you think you will never smile again.

  You should never underestimate the power of having a best friend. And if yours doesn’t do that for you, then get another one. Mine knows, sometimes before I do, that I’m getting my tail tied into a knot over something, when the thing I’m getting worked up about isn’t truly driving my anger — it is usually something I have no control over.

• Also, who better to reach out to when you know you can’t think straight? A bestie can offer the perspective you lack.
• And with my bestie, it doesn’t matter which one of us is upset, or how big their grievance is, at some point during that call one of us will get the other to laugh … and once laughter has been achieved, we both feel better.
• Pros and Cons List — Groan all you want, a pros and cons list helps you see the positives and negatives of the actions you are thinking about taking.

I love pictures that bring a story to mind immediately, and this picture is one. In my head, the story goes … The girl on the left was upset over some mean things some boys said to her as she paraded down the street in her costume. She found a corner to hide in so she could cry without anyone calling her a baby. But before she got a good sobfest going, little witchy-poo found her and listened to her friend drawing the story out of her when she’d stop. As soon as the story of what had happened has been told, Witchy-Poo stands, stomps her foot on the ground, says, “Well, see about that,” and holds her hand out to the friend. They then stride toward the troublemakers, the girl on the left a little apprehensive, but definitely feeling much better that her bestie has her back. And little Witchy-Poo? She means business, you see it in the grip she’s got on her friends hands. It’s the little ones who roar like a lion you need to be afraid of. (To all my LONG time friends, we KNOW I’m the girl in the witch hat who will make those boys rue the day they messed with her friend.)

Even though this post is a little on the long side already, I’m going to hope you’re still with me because this is the most important part. While I am thankful that when I have lost my smile due to a situation/circumstance — usually out of my control — I do have a fantastic network of friends who help me find my smile, it makes me even more emphatic about being the friend who gives the smile back. THAT is the kind of friend I strive to be. And not in a superficial way, but in some meaningful way to help the person in pain. What kind of friend are you?

PS I love the featured pic of the macaque because just looking at that would cheer me up on a bad day. The goofy grin is everything.

The post Jar Full of Smiles: The Lost Smile appeared first on Be the Cat.

I’m a believer in change through intention and taking things one day at a time. I set goals … I don’t make resolutions because those can be broken, whereas a goal is something you continue to strive toward until you achieve it. But even with that, I couldn’t settle on ONE idea to strive toward in the new year. Until this year. And it’s a phrase I’ll focus on to get me through 2019.

Don’t Mess with the Ness

I received this cup for Christmas from my friend, mentor, and agent, Italia Gandolfo. And it is a perfect phrase for me to focus on in 2019. Maybe for life … although Be the Cat! is my lifetime mantra. Why is the phrase so perfect? Well, I happen to be working on a Middle Grade novel where one of the characters is fashioned after Nessie. But for me it goes beyond the character to the whole mythos of the Loch Ness Monster.

The Loch Ness Monster is one of the most debunked myths around, and yet the myth persists. So as someone who deals in worlds that exist only in my head, yet are so real to me, the persistence of the myth is comforting. Nessie stands the test of time — which is my goal for everything I write. And you don’t mess with Nessie … debunk him over here, and he’ll pop up over there thumbing his nose (snout?) at you. Although, I doubt he has any thumbs either … but you get the idea. No matter how many times it has been “proven” he doesn’t exist, he has continued to make appearance after appearance throughout history.

I had read an article based on busting the sentiment you can’t prove a negative and the article author used Nessie as part of their example of destroying the logic — which in my opinion he failed to do. It was an opinon piece and facts were absent. At any rate, his theory was that all we’d have to do to prove there is no Loch Ness Monster was to drain the Loch Ness. He does have a point.

IF the Loch Ness were drained AND no monster was found, we might conclude the monster doesn’t exist … but I’m not sure that would rate as iron-clad proof either. Because with as many years as there have been sightings of Nessie, there also have been periods of time where there were no sightings. Wouldn’t it be a logical presumption that the monster might reside in the Loch Ness for some of the time, but not all the time?

Now, I’m not arguing for the existence or not of a specific Loch Ness monster, but more that the idea is still possible that one might exist. Where there is the remotest possibility, then there is hope … and hope and faith together is a potent combination. The type of thing that can move mountains. But how does this tie to the year ahead?

2018 had some very good moments, but 2019 is going to be even better. During 2018, I made strides health-wise to be stronger and while I’m still a long way from where I want to be, I’m moving forward. Same with my writing. Little baby steps at a time is what is going to get me to where I want to be, and I have hope, no matter what the actual probability is, that I will achieve my goals, and I am moving forward in faith that I am on the right path and doing my life’s work. So don’t tell me probabilities or statistics — don’t try to sway me with facts.

Unless you’ve drained not only the Loch Ness and the rest of the Lochs and other bodies of water around the world, there is still a possibility, however improbable, Nessie exists. And if the possibility exists, then there is hope, and I will believe I will get stronger, healthier, and the path I’m on will take me to the destination I desire.

The post Don’t Mess with the Ness appeared first on Be the Cat.

I had actually been researching information for a post that is formulating about the increase of Middle School anxiety and why, when my attention was caught by a post on Facebook exhibiting some of the exact reasons why anxiety has been increased over the past few years. The original post was an image highlighting the inconsistency of media reporting these days. Which is true. I don’t care which side of the political spectrum you support, the media coverage of any and everything has a schizophrenic quality to it, and extreme bias is shown when the media is supposed to be impartial purveyors of facts. And on that post was an escalating exchange between a father and daughter (both adults).

Mom and Dad

Let me be clear … my parents raised me to have my own opinions and to be fiercely independent — which was definitely NOT an easy task for either one of them. And I’ll be candid … my dad and I butted heads — regularly. But that head-butting always took place privately and never in a public forum. The major reason for that is that along with teaching me to form my own opinions, and to be independent, I was also raised to respect others — even when whole-heartedly disagreeing with them and the things they believed.

Unfortunately, all you have to do is pull up social media these days to find it dripping with peremptory dogma, malice, and often hatred. And what we don’t realize is the major impact that malice and hatred are having … not on the people who we are expressing it against, but to ourselves. I have established a routine of being on social media as little as possible simply because the seething anger is damaging to me and causes me stress, which I need to avoid for my own health benefit. I cannot imagine what it must be like walking around with all that hatred boiling all the time — we are killing ourselves.

Back to my point. Whenever I see families, in particular, taking such sides and expressing feelings that are ultimately damaging to the relationship, it brings my dad to mind and how much animosity I carried at some points in my life toward him. And every single time I have that thought, it is followed by how THANKFUL I am that we had resolved those issues prior to his passing. Had he died when my last memories of him would be the anger I held? I shudder to think of it. My mental health would have taken a huge nose dive and who knows when or IF I would have pulled out of it. Grieving for him was hard enough, without extra heapings of guilt for not having resolved our issues.

Those issues were not resolved by agreeing with every word he uttered. Again, that’s not how I was raised, but by letting go of the animosity, by letting go of the emotional intensity surrounding the issues, and understanding that while we may not agree, he always thought things through and probably had good reasons for holding his opinions as I did for holding mine.

Why didn’t I jump into the thread and say these things, instead of coming to my blog to express it? There are none so blind as those who refuse to see; and none so deaf as those who refuse to hear … a quote probably stemming from the 1713 ‘Works of Thomas Chalkley’ which have roots back to the Bible.

What I would like to say is “How will you feel if your dad was gone tomorrow? Will you have a clear conscience with which to grieve for him?” However, that is extremely personal, and I recognize how close that would have cut to the bone.

We are coming up on 28 years since my father passed, and while somethings are easier with time, others are not. For example, the big things that hit me are the things that never can be. Like winning an award for writing — something my dad never understood because he wanted me to have financial safety and security on my own. And right there is one of the points of contention I had with him. He wanted me to have a safe existence and the ability to support myself.

He couldn’t see writing novels as a potential life career because he wanted what was best for me. He didn’t see that writing for me is an essential part of my life, even if I were not to ever sell a single word, and at that time, I saw his lack of support as thinking I couldn’t do it, and didn’t recognize his fear of my being rejected (which is part of the publishing industry). I saw his attitude as a lack of support, a lack of love (something he had an extremely difficult time expressing), but fortunately figured out his reasoning prior to his death. I know, without any doubt whatsoever, that were he living today, he’d be bursting with pride over my accomplishments, and would be bragging about me more than I would like. I get emotionally overwrought because he isn’t here and I can’t share my successes with him. He may not have understood how important writing was to me, but he would have been one of my biggest supporters.

So in this long, rambling post, my point is to always treat (at the very least) family and friends with respect, realizing they are far more important than any political agenda, and it is not worth carrying around the animosity — because you never know when you’ll be facing the memory of them instead of the person. Will you be able to do so without guilt clouding your sorrow that they are gone?

The post In Memory of Dad appeared first on Be the Cat.

In my mind, the term rubber stamp conjures up an ink pad, with your choice of ink color, a stamp with a wooden handle, and when it gets worn, the edges of the stamp hitting the paper and blurring the message. But most of the time that didn’t matter because all the stamp said was, “PAID” or “CENSORED” … a single word or at most a return address stamp that became illegible from blurred ink when the ink pad was over inked.

And no, that isn’t the kind of stamp I bought — I bought signature stamps — both pre-inked and self-inking. There are some writers who write every book long hand. There is a change in how your thoughts function when writing long hand vs. tapping away on a keyboard.

And I do happen to love what happens mentally when I do write long hand … but the arthritis I have in my hands makes it impossible to do more than a paragraph or two before the pen is flying across the room because I can no longer grip it. For whatever reason, I am affected more severely trying to hold a pen than I am when typing.

So when looking ahead at the need to sign multiple books in one sitting, I needed to minimize the impact to my hands. Enter the rubber stamp … only fancier than they used to be. I am not only thrilled with the stamp’s design, but also how it looks when used.

Why am I bothering to blog about the stamps at all? Well, first off, I think they look great, but secondly they coincide with my message of Be the Cat! because for me signing a lot of books in one go, or even spread out over time, would be difficult — an obstacle to overcome. No amount of hand strengthening therapies are going to enable me to hold a pen for long periods of time, but rather than allow that to affect me negatively, I have found a way to improve the situation.

From the time I was a child, my fine motor skills have been lacking, although my large motor skills were well-developed. And some days even lightly touching my fingertips to my palms (of the same hand) involves pain … and a book signing should be a wonderful experience rather than painful one, so getting stamps will allow me to enjoy the moment instead of trying to drive past the pain. With every stamped signature, there will also be a reminder of my Be the Cat message — a message near to my heart.

And that alone makes me smile.

PS — to any naysayers who think my stamp isn’t a legitimate signed copy … the signature IS mine, painstakingly captured for reproduction, and I will be the person putting it in every single book.

BE THE CAT!

If you would like to subscribe to receive a notification about blog posts OR signup for my newsletter, please do so below:
[email-subscribers-advanced-form id=”2″]

The post My Signature Stamp appeared first on Be the Cat.

The roots of this story go back to 2009 while I was working on another book and Angela intruded to tell me that I was going to write her story. At that moment, I was so engrossed with the story I was in the middle of, and the words were flowing at such a rate I could barely keep up, that this new character was more of a nuisance than anything else. I pointed to the end of the story idea line and told Angela to get comfortable … because it was going to be awhile. She didn’t wait patiently.

Of ALL my characters, Angela has always been the most emphatic about who she is and the story she had to tell. Angela embodies the spirit of Be the Cat!! more than any character I’ve worked with. She knows who she is and makes no apologies.

Most of the time, I have some sort of idea of what the story is about before starting the writing process. Not this time. I simply knew my character had a story and it was my job to tell it. So — no outline, no story notes, nothing but me and a blinking cursor on the blank page. Imagine my surprise when this dilapidated carnival tent appeared as if by magic.

I had never written anything but contemporary to this point, and yet here, in the middle (well, more like the middle of the beginning) of the story popped up an object I knew had to contain magic. The last line of the image sums up exactly how I felt at that moment. Wait!! What is this doing in the middle of the story??? It didn’t belong.. (Or so I thought.)

But I was curious. First of all, it was a cool, old, tent and I wanted to know what was inside. This was the moment where the story turned from being an obligation to explore on behalf of my character to needing to satisfy my curiosity. From this moment forward, I was totally hooked, and I hope you will be, too.

If you would like to subscribe to receive a notification about blog posts OR signup for my newsletter, please do so below:
[email-subscribers-advanced-form id=”2″]

The post The Advent of Angela Ashby appeared first on Be the Cat.

I love this picture because it epitomizes the little piece of paper I fished out of the Jar Full of Smiles. It states:

A good friend is cheaper than therapy.

Having friends is essential in life, whether they run around on two legs or four — and there are advantages to both kinds. In the image for this post, the dog is being a fantastic friend by just being with his friend, listening to what he has to say, not judging. Sometimes the best thing in the world, when you have too much on your heart and mind, is to tell all to your dog (or the neighbor’s dog) because you know with certainty, they will never tell another living soul what you said. It is cathartic to bare your soul and get all the niggling things bothering you off your chest. And your dog will understand the depth of your feelings and do their best to make you feel better, while at the same time be happy they are spending time with you.

But sometimes, we need a little bit more. We not only need someone to listen … we need some sort of acknowledgement that our problems have been heard and there is understanding of what we’re experiencing. And not only to share the bad things with, we need friends to share the good times with, too. How sad would it be to be bursting with good news and have no one to tell? We need someone to laugh and be silly with as well as someone’s shoulder to cry on when needed.

And friends are there for us because we are there for them … it should be a two-way street. Remember: “We don’t have to do all of it alone. We were never meant to.” — Brené Brown So, if the street is only one way, then it may be time to think about changing things up in the friendship circle. I’ll leave you with a couple of questions to think about.

• What makes a good friend?
• What kind of friend are you?

If you would like to receive notifications of new posts from Be the Cat or signup for my newsletter, please go to my Subscribe page and fill out the quick and simple form. I respect your privacy and will only use the email addresses for the purpose intended and won’t share with anyone else.

The post Jar Full of Smiles: Friendship Therapy appeared first on Be the Cat.

Let me just say that I don’t pay attention to reviews … no, really. I cannot tell you how many there are on Goodreads or Amazon or any other retailer. I also cannot tell you what they say. The only time I even see them is if I need to look at the product page for any reason. Otherwise, unless someone tells me about it, I don’t know. So when Italia mentioned something about a statement made in a review of 7th Grade Revolution and to keep it in mind for The Journal of Angela Ashby, I hadn’t seen the review and my response was that they are different books and what the reviewer had commented on wasn’t intended to be a part of 7th Grade Revolution, but that it already was handled in The Journal of Angela Ashby.

Yes, this is the point when the discussion took a turn toward the intense zone. And in the discussion, I said this:

It’s like trying to shame a cat for not having the characteristics of a dog.

The cat is going to squint its eyes, think of ways to murder, and do nothing to change the fact that it is indeed, a cat.

In the reverse, the dog will scurry around trying to figure out how to increase its catliness and will be worried and seeking approval.

While most of the time, I’m more dog than cat … in this … I am all cat.

When it comes to my writing — the thing I do I am most passionate about — I write the book I have envisioned to the best of my ability. There isn’t a single book I haven’t pushed myself on to make the best it can possibly be — but once it has been released, it is out in the world and I cannot run around explaining to all who read it why I made the choices I made. It either comes across well, or it doesn’t. I make no apologies for my work … ever. If I missed the mark, I missed the mark, but I’m going to do my best to hit it the next time. And no book is ever going to hit everyone the same. Why? Because the readers are a huge part of the experience, and we each have our own tastes and no one book is going to satisfy everyone.

Before I got off my soapbox and put it away, I wound up telling Italia that instead of being bothered by anything she sees in the reviews, she needs to Be the Cat. Because I am. At that point she told me it needed to be my blog.

It has since become a running joke between us. We all need a bit more cat when it comes to other people deciding what we should or should not have done. And the truth of the matter is, it wasn’t that the reviews were terrible or saying the book wasn’t well-written, it’s just that the reviewer wanted to see something more that I CHOSE not to put in. It was a conscious choice on my part during the writing process. So one or two (adult) readers are disappointed … I’m sorry about that, but I stand on the ground that I write for my target audience who are kids, and had I included what an adult felt was lacking, the kids would not have enjoyed the experience as much. In my opinion, but then again, I am the cat.

Does this mean I’m not open to constructive criticism? Absolutely not. I am always striving to improve my craft, and if I’ve completely missed something, then I do want to know about it. But, if what was “missed” is something I did with deliberation and not through ignorance or oversight, it was a choice I made for my work and I’m standing by my choice. Overall, with the reception 7th Grade Revolution has had, I feel pretty good about my choices for the book. Not only has it won some awards, but every kid I have spoken to who has read the book has loved it.

I will leave you with these words … if there is something you are passionate about, think about the cat when the cat has a goal. The cat is consumed by what it is trying to achieve; it remains undaunted in the face of obstacles; you can tell it, “No!” a hundred times, and it might twitch an ear and wait for you to get tired, but it never once loses sight of its goal. This is how we need to approach those things we are passionate about … ignoring the naysayers, keeping our focus, and being persistent until we figure out how to best achieve our goals.

BE THE CAT!

The post Be The Cat appeared first on Be the Cat.